Make Claw Mad #1: What If Volume 1 Is Dumb

Here's a new series of posts, for a blog that has no other posts besides an intro post. That would be... MAKE CLAW MAD. Here I will say and talk about things that make Claw mad. These won't be things I don't actually believe but things I think and believe and I know they will annoy claw. Hurray.

Over the past 2 years, through gifting and purchasing, I have bought the 4 trade paperbacks that make up the entire volume 1 of What If. This is the first series that ran for 47 issues from 1977 to 1984. They take a normal issue and change something so they can go WHAT IF AMIRITE. It's a great idea for a series but as far I am concerned, the first volume of the series is pretty half baked and dumb.

The biggest problem I've seen out of the 7 issues I've read is that the dude Roy Thomas or whatever struggled to take these amazing, great, classic stories (since the original What Ifs were largely origin story adjustments) and make them What If-able.

Speaking of divergence, don't get me wrong - What If is great. What if Volume 2 #1 is one of the most mindblowing fucking things I've ever read in my life. It's so fucking bizarre that the whole thing is amazing. And Roy Thomas wrote that one too. So the logic is he just struggled with Volume 1.

Let's look at the first couple of issues:

#1: What if Spiderman joined the Fantastic Four. That's just dumb in concept. That's like this: 

And what happens is the Fantastic Four just fly off the table. The FF is a family and Spiderman shows up like some dipshit cousin, daddy-o. It so doesn't work. Plus, wasting no time, here comes fucking Namor.

What a fucking douche. I hate Namor. He's somehow more boring than Aquaman. And he's in so many of the early What Ifs. GO AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU NAMOR. Not only that but at the end of the issue, Sue Storm runs off with Namor basically because Spiderman takes her spot. After giving her gills. What.

I rank this issue negative one human claw's dads out of 10 (which means it's actually 1 claw's horse dad out of 10 normal human dads).

#2: What If The Hulk Had The Brain of Bruce Banner. Ok this one starts off just fine and logical and what the fuck why is Professor X, Mr Fantastic and Bruce Banner combining into some giant gold man baby?

Not only that but this giant gold man child scares GALACTUS off. What. Clearly Roy Boy got his plane off the runway and then crashed it into the ocean. 

I rate this issue 2 cartoons that come on before Casper out of 10. Because this issue is truly the cartoon before fucking Casper comes on, isn't that right claw. This issue is Casper's doughy butt. 

Issue #3 What If The Avengers Had Never Been: Here's another big problem with these issues. Thomas takes a good concept and then hones on a specific event in the original comic and when he does, it doesn't work because he can't let that original event go. In this one, basically Thor, Iron Man, Giant Man and Wasp basically tell each other to eat shit (does that make claw and I the NES avengers... Edsel is clearly Dr Druid) and walk out the door while Iron Man is like "Oh right the Hulk". And here Thomas zeroes in on the fight against the Hulk and Namor and DOESNT LET IT GO. The rest of the issue is focused around it and it's just so dumb. The issue ends with RICK JONES (man does Roy Thomas love him some Rick Jones) in an Iron Man suit. Dumb.

AND MORE GODDAMN NAMOR. FUCK OFF NAMOR.

I rate this issue 1 useless Iron Man suits out of 10.

Issue #4: What If The Invaders Stayed Together After WWII?: Here's the problem right off the bat... this issue barely takes place after WWII! What the fuck dude. What happened here is Thomas spent forever building up the What If storyline just to never deliver on the concept. 

The issue itself is weird, but amusing because... THE WHIZZER shows up.

Gee golly, it's the Whizz'! Also Miss America shows up. And the original Human Torch had a sidekick like Bucky ala Captain America. WHO KNEW! Yes, I know you knew, Claw. Some jerk subs in for Captain America and dies in the lamest way possible too. Probably the biggest intersection of MAJOR CHARACTER and LAMEST WAY TO DIE IN A COMIC. 

HEY GUESS WHAT, NAMOR'S BACK AGAIN. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, ENOUGH.

This issue is a mess. I give it 0 foamy shits out of the zero variety pack of claw shits I will never receive.

Issue #5 What If Captain America Didn't Vanish After World War II?: This is the first issue approaching readable. While it ends up running in circles for a while and the ending is set up with literally THE ENTIRE COMIC BLACKING OUT (so anything that happened is never seen and it's hand wavy bullshit), it has Captain America running Shield as Steve Rogers. It also has Bucky, like, nerd in a ballet outfit Bucky, not Bucky on roids Winter Soldier Bucky, as the "next Captain America" which is just sad. Like I said, approaching readable.

I think Namor is in this. I can't remember.

I give this issue 3 stainman NFTs that I won't pay claw for.

Issue #6: What If the Fantastic Four Had Different Powers? This is the fucking worst comic I have ever read. Holy shit, where to begin. First off, Thomas phoned this in so hard, he just gave Mr Fantastic's powers to Sue Storm. Really. Was Sue that one dimensional that you couldn't come up WITH LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE especially since you didn't reuse anyone else's powers?

Next, he gave Ben Grimm dragon wings. THAT'S IT. He can fly. NO SUPER STRENGTH, NOTHING. Did he look at Angel from the X-Men and say "Well... flying is a super power but I can't use bird wings...."

Johnny Storm becomes the MANDROID, where Roy Thomas's writing becomes as robotic as the Human Torch now is. This is the only one that is decently inventive... until the story picks up.

And finally, Mister Fantastic becomes... BIG BRAIN. A BRAIN. HE BECOMES JUST A FLOATING BRAIN.

That's it. He's not telekinetic, he just floats. THAT'S IT. DUMB.

What makes this issue even worse is Doctor Doom shows up and shows how utterly useless this entire team is. He rips MANDROID'S arms off and the other two are so so useless, that Doom is only defeated by more handwavy bullshit and BIG BRAIN ends up in Doctor Doom's body. Or something. If you read the entire issue up to the last page, you'd be certain that the four of them were dead. And then Roy Thomas said LOL NOPE.

At least namor isn't in it.

I can't even score this one. It is so bad.

Issue #7: What If Someone Else Besides Spider-Man Got Bit By The Radioactive Spider: Another issue approaching readable, but that's only because the end is actually creative and thought out. So now Flash Thompson, Betty Brant and John Jameson get bit by the spider and get powers. And here's the rub: Flash and Jameson die because LOL NO WEB FLUID. That's it. Lazy writing. Did Thomas read back issues for Spiderman and find a spot where Spiderman's survival depended ENTIRELY on his web shooters? Because that's what it feels like.

Betty Brant is a little more less dumb but that's because Peter Parker makes her web shooters. And of course Betty has a horrible costume where her tits are basically smacking in the face. I'm not woke but that outfit is impractical. She ends up bailing out of SPIDER GIRLIN IT because she lets Peter's uncle get shot. Uh, ok.

What saves the issue are two things. One, John Jameson being Spider Jameson makes JJ less of a cocksucker because his son was one. And two, the issue ends with all three What If universes having the same result: Peter Parker saves the spider's corpse and drinks its venom to also become Spiderman. A nice little bow. Also, no Namor doesn't become Spiderman. I'll take that.

This one also gets 3 overdone claw jokes out of 10. 

So that's all I read so far. I bet this will make claw madder that I am judging an entire volume of a series on 7 issues. But I am reading the TPBs on the can and it takes time because I, at most, poop once a day. And these What Ifs are LONG and VERBOSE so it usually takes 3 shits to finish an issue. Meanwhile modern comics I can read 3 comics in the span of one shit. Different times.