Make Claw Mad #3: What If Volume 1 Is Dumb Part III

 I might have to change this title because some of these issues aren't dumb.... but then they get dumb again. Ok claw, get that CAPS LOCK locked because here we go:

#16: What If Shang Chi Fought on the Side of Fu Manchu?: Probably the most forgettable issue I have read so far. I'll be honest... I don't remember anything about it. Does anyone remember Shang Chi? No one? That's what I thought. Yet Marvel/Disney desperately needed a Chinese property to appease Chinese movie audiences (who lol spend more than the US) so they dug up this solid nugget. This movie will tank in the US, make good bank in China and give us a sequel no one cares about. The movie is called Shang Chi and the 10 Rings and lol, they were forced to white wash Mandarin in Iron Man 3 so they don't have him for this movie. Lol cinematic universes. Anywhere else, they would just reboot Mandarin and have him back in the saddle. But now they are stuck with him being drunk Ben Kingsley. 

Holy shit, I forgot I was reviewing a comic so forgettable I lost track of it mid review. I give this issue infinite huhs out of infinite wats.

#17: What If Ghost Rider, Spider-Woman and Captain Marvel were Villains? This issue fucking blew because, as a reoccurring theme here, the title of the issue is more interesting than the tale they tell. These three don't end up so much bad guys, but as not being Captain America-style do-gooders. A little off the holier than thou rails but that's it. So it's fucking stupid. Spider-Woman doesn't go around robbing banks here - she just gets forced to do a bad thing or two to find out who she is. That's it. Ghost Rider isn't driving around incinerating grandmas.

While I have adored the concept of What If, I am finding that the original ones are more names than anything as opposed to stories that really world build around the concept. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the modern What Ifs they put out in like 2019 were complete garbage. It's a hard concept to get right. I rate this issue a 10 out of 10 in name only, because the 10 is only a 1 like this comic's premise.

#18: What If Dr Strange Was A Disciple of Dormammu? At least with this issue, they get it right with good guy => bad guy unlike the last issue. Unfortunately, also a trend here, they end up with the BAD GUY GOOD GUY becoming a GOOD GOOD GUY in the end. Come on, commit to the concept. This is a pretty by the book What If. Strange gets lured into Dormammu's willies and he does bad stuff than, woop, he ends up good in the end. Other than the ending, this was a fine take. I give it 5 M's in Dormammu's Name out of 10.

#19: What If Spider-Man Had Never Become A Crime Fighter? Here it is. No joke, the best What If so far. Why is it so good? Because not only does it take Spider-Man to a new place, it fully takes J. Jonah Jameson to one too. And it works out so well. And kinda goofy at the same time. And the art. OH MAN THE ART IS AMAZING. LOOK AT THIS. IT SELLS THE COMIC SO WELL. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING:

Where to begin? First off, Peter Parker molting into THE SPECTACULAR SPIDERJERK is amazing. The flowbee haircut and wacky expressions nail it. (Don't ask how me turns a newspaper into melting plastic). Just the looks are so good.

Then there's the story. He tells Ben and May to fuck off, live trolls JJ into becoming AN EVIL MASTERMIND by ruining his life outright and he gets Daredevil killed. Now you want a What If that changes things AND gives you a wild ride, this is it. Fuck Rick Jones. Fuck the Invaders. Fuck 3-D Man three times. This is the way the WHAT IF. I give this 10 not kidding about the scores out of 10.

#20 What If the Avengers Had Fought the Skrull-Kree War Without Rick Jones? Oh fuck you Roy Thomas. Seriously. Eat shit with this. Fuck Rick Jones. HE'S JUST A GUY, DADDY-O. So fucking boring. Not to mention this one barely deviates from the actual comic it's based on. What lazy cunty shit. Not going to grade this snoozefest.

#21: What If the Invisible Woman Has Married Namor?: Who fucking cares? Namor continues to the most pretentious, shit eating super hero ever created. Why didn't he just fucking fade away in the 19040s with the WHIZZER and all of those other stupid shithead creations that no one liked?

This comic's only redeeming point is Reed Richards basically tries to commit genocide to get back at Namor by killing Atlantis. On one hand, genocide be bad, mmkay. On the other hand, Namor sucks cock. So it's a wash. And of course, it ends with a happy dippy ending with Reed "realizing his terrible mistake" and blah blah blah who fucking cares. Namor sucks huge dong. There has never been a good comic with "Aquaman with Less Clothing" in it. I rate this 1 Reed Beard out of 10 for Genocidal Mr Fantastic.

#22: What If Dr Doom Had Become a Hero? This one is decent. It basically gives Doom a happy ending until it doesn't. But it's otherwise fine. The ending is fortunately a grey ending so that's good but also a lazy ending (He says I should ask Dr Strange for help... and never does). I do want to say that the costume designs they use to remake the heros for What If has been fucking atrocious. The good guy Doom armor was as lazy as you can get, which goes hand in hand with the Reed-Brain-in-Dr-Doom-Armor from that other issue as well as Bad Guy Now Good Guy Dr Strange. All very lazy. Basically, Mortal Kombat palette swaps with the same level of effort and the same name. This one gets 4 SO SAYS DOOMS out of 10.

#23 What If the Hulk Became a Barbarian? This could be awesome if it wasn't TOTAL FUCKING HORSESHIT. The cover? Hulk as Barbarian. Inside? "What if Hulk's girlfriend hadn't died". Wait, what. Yes, that's right. Typical comic cover/comic bullshit to swing sales. He never picks up an axe, never puts on a helmet, no Conan vibes or fucking anything. FUCK YOU ROY THOMAS. What impossible bullshit is this. Usually when the "this doesn't happen in the comic" cover happens, it's at least tangently related to what happens inside. Not here.

As far as the actual story, it's minorly interesting and basically a fork of what actually happened as opposed to a complete reimagining. It's readable but otherwise horseshit. And the What If collection I am reading? HAS HULK AS A BARBARIAN ON THE COVER. FUCK YOU MARVEL. Doubling down on your bait and switch. 

The story is at least short, unlike endless, tedious affairs like Sgt Fury in Space and Rick Jones: Skrull-Kree Douchebag. And that's because there is a non-related to What If story about the Celestials and the Eternals (yawn) and then... WHAT IF AUNT MAY GOT BIT BY THE SPIDER. Which is insanely boring and basically plays the same way as it did Peter Parker except Aunt May keeps saying old timey old people in the 70s colloquialisms like LAND O GOSHEN and GRACIOUS. But Peter is a wimpy nerd in this, again. Marvel sure hates nerds. They could have made this more insane but all we got is May using overyeasted, underbaked bread dough as web fluid. I'm not kidding.

And that's it for this post. That's the end of What If Vol 1 Book 2 that I've been reading so we are at the halfway point. Tune in next time claw so you can get more mad.

Make Claw Mad #2: What If Volume 1 Is Dumb Part II

 I'm back and this post will probably make claw mad again. The issues reviewed in this post don't get better - in fact they get worse - and THEN they start to improve slightly. Let's get to it:

#8: What If Everyone Knew Daredevil Was Blind: This one is a one trick pony. Simply, Electro notices Daredevil is blind so he basically retires and becomes district attorney. Wat. Yeah, that's it. As usual, a very long winded comic for very little payoff. Instead of one big reveal, Electro basically goes "Wait a second..." and that's it. How this series survived such lackluster garbage I will never know.

I give this one 3 one trick ponies out of 10.

#9: What If The Avengers Fought Evil in the 1950s: Hold onto your butts for this. This is quite possibly the worst wrangling of the lamest superheroes ever made. The issue opens with the real Avengers watching this on multidimensional TV. How they didn't turn it off halfway through, I'm never know.

If you thought the Invaders were comically lame, you've seen nothing yet. First off, is Gorilla Man:

Stop me if you've heard this one before, but he's a gorilla. man. Dumb.

Then there's Marvel Boy:

He was completely useless. If this was the banner hero for the 1950s Marvel (or whatever it was called at the time), then I am shocked they made it to the 60s. Stan was indeed the Man if this is what they could come up with. Then there's Venus (imagine Thor but lamer) and THE HUMAN ROBOT, which is somehow lazier than GORILLA MAN. But none of these compare to the GOD KING OF LAME SUPERHEROES. I bet Roy Thomas fapped while he came up with this one. It's 3-D MAN.

Yes, 3-D Man. He's 3-D because he has... the strength of 3 people. The speed of 3 people. The disappointment of 3 million people. The waste of ink of 300,000 copies of this issue. And he can only be 3-D Man for THREE HOURS. "Oh hey Ultron, I have to go, I'll be back in tomorrow because my 3 hours are up". 

And why yes, you ask, that is in fact the worst drawing of Dwight Eisenhower ever created next to 3-D Man. The villians that kidnap him are lamer than the heroes and I don't want to mention them except for VIDEO. Yes, the villain's name was Video. And of course the generic Ruskie villian. This has been the worst issue far and away. I cannot rate this because it is so horrendous.

Issue #10: What If Jane Foster Found Thor's Hammer?: Somehow, someway, after that last shitstorm, the first readable issue of What If has been produced. Pretty much an entire issue of Odin fuming and fussing and then saying HEY JANE, SUCK MY ENTIRE DONG, K? Definitely the least woke issue so far, as Odin basically drops trou and tells Jane that she's marrying him. Really just lazy writing, because, as you can imagine, the real Thor shows up and then THORDIS (who dis thordis) is basically benched out of sight. But your consolation prize is Mrs Odin. How's that for women's rights? I give this one a 5 WHO DIS's out of 10.

Issue #11: What If The Marvel Bullpen Became... the Fantastic Four? Wait, am I reading this right? Are you fucking kidding? What kind of self serving horseshit is this?: Oh yes dear reader, you are reading this right. So if you go to the letters page at the back, the whole reason for this comic's existence is explained. 

Jack Kirby peaced out of Marvel in the early 70s for DC. Oops. Marvel then convinced him to come back. And they gifted him this issue of What If to do whatever he wanted... and this is what he fucking did. Whatever contact dispute caused him to leave was ever present because he came back and produced this fuck you of a travesty. The best part is our boy ROY T. was like "hey mr kirby do you mind if i be part of this issue as one of the fantastic four" and Jack was like "NO YOU LITTLE CUNT HAHA I THINK I'LL TAKE SOL BRODSKY AND THE RECEPTIONIST INSTEAD LOL". I am not making this up. Thomas literally admits he asked and was shot down. Hilarious.

This issue is so bad, I didn't finish reading it. It's so self serving and aggrandizing that it's unreadable. I award it no fake rating and may god have mercy on its soul.

Issue #12: What If Rick Jones Had Become The Hulk: What if Roy Thomas pretended he was Rick Jones because that is literally half of the issues of What If I have read so far. The most important character in Marvel is the stupid douchebag that cause Bruce Banner to become the Hulk. 

This issue at least ended with split-from-Rick Hulk ruling the Negative Zone and fucking the women creatures in the Negative Zone. Again, not making this up. It's just ok considering the Rick Jones fan fiction. I give it 2 Rick Jones shrines out of 10.

Issue #13: What If Conan Walked the Earth of Today: Kind of out of nowhere, it's Conan. I guess this works as a standalone story, but if you told me it was a normal Conan issue, I'd believe you. It's fairly innocuous, with Conan more or less fighting normal people in the 70s, like art thieves. But he does get laid, daddy-o. In typical Roy Thomas, it's lazy. So I give it 3 claws out of 10 claws.

Issue #14: What If Sgt Fury Had Fought World War II in Outer Space: The whole What If thing is what if you took one plot point in an storyline and changed it and diverted from there. Then there's this shit. Basically shitty Roy Thomas fan fiction. The story is boring as fuck and goes nowhere because they came up with a concept first and then had no story behind it. This was total shit that I didn't finish. I give it zero bowler hats out of 10.

Issue #15: What If Someone Else Had Become Nova: This is some wacky shit. While you'd think this would just be like "Daredevil, Dr Doom and Kingpin" becoming Nova, it's not. They do have Spider-Man become Nova, which was an insane waste but I'll get to that. Instead, they have three nobodies becomes Nova and it's weird. The first is a pissed off chick who basically kills every bad guy in sight to avenge her dead boyfriend... only to be trapped in the Negative Zone by the FF, because that's nice of them (Jerks). Then a hobo becomes Nova. Yeah. And then, a random criminal becomes Nova and somehow rallies all the villains to kill all the superheroes, which they do, until they all kill each other and... the Sphinx is the only one left? Wat.

And finally, Spider-Man. Instead of getting powers from his spider bite, he becomes paralyzed and pissy. And that's basically the gist. He gets the Nova powers and pisses and moans the whole time. Then he ditches the suit when he accidentally kills someone. WHAT IF SPIDERMAN WAS A LITTLE BITCH. I grade this one 4 stories in one issue out of 10.

That's it for now. Next time, so claw doesn't get too mad, I will review an issue which is fucking amazing (seriously) and will get a 10 out of 10 from me. I'm not kidding. It was so good and the art sealed the deal. But for now, the issues on this post mostly ate asshole.