I might have to change this title because some of these issues aren't dumb.... but then they get dumb again. Ok claw, get that CAPS LOCK locked because here we go:
#16: What If Shang Chi Fought on the Side of Fu Manchu?: Probably the most forgettable issue I have read so far. I'll be honest... I don't remember anything about it. Does anyone remember Shang Chi? No one? That's what I thought. Yet Marvel/Disney desperately needed a Chinese property to appease Chinese movie audiences (who lol spend more than the US) so they dug up this solid nugget. This movie will tank in the US, make good bank in China and give us a sequel no one cares about. The movie is called Shang Chi and the 10 Rings and lol, they were forced to white wash Mandarin in Iron Man 3 so they don't have him for this movie. Lol cinematic universes. Anywhere else, they would just reboot Mandarin and have him back in the saddle. But now they are stuck with him being drunk Ben Kingsley.
Holy shit, I forgot I was reviewing a comic so forgettable I lost track of it mid review. I give this issue infinite huhs out of infinite wats.
#17: What If Ghost Rider, Spider-Woman and Captain Marvel were Villains? This issue fucking blew because, as a reoccurring theme here, the title of the issue is more interesting than the tale they tell. These three don't end up so much bad guys, but as not being Captain America-style do-gooders. A little off the holier than thou rails but that's it. So it's fucking stupid. Spider-Woman doesn't go around robbing banks here - she just gets forced to do a bad thing or two to find out who she is. That's it. Ghost Rider isn't driving around incinerating grandmas.
While I have adored the concept of What If, I am finding that the original ones are more names than anything as opposed to stories that really world build around the concept. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the modern What Ifs they put out in like 2019 were complete garbage. It's a hard concept to get right. I rate this issue a 10 out of 10 in name only, because the 10 is only a 1 like this comic's premise.
#18: What If Dr Strange Was A Disciple of Dormammu? At least with this issue, they get it right with good guy => bad guy unlike the last issue. Unfortunately, also a trend here, they end up with the BAD GUY GOOD GUY becoming a GOOD GOOD GUY in the end. Come on, commit to the concept. This is a pretty by the book What If. Strange gets lured into Dormammu's willies and he does bad stuff than, woop, he ends up good in the end. Other than the ending, this was a fine take. I give it 5 M's in Dormammu's Name out of 10.
#19: What If Spider-Man Had Never Become A Crime Fighter? Here it is. No joke, the best What If so far. Why is it so good? Because not only does it take Spider-Man to a new place, it fully takes J. Jonah Jameson to one too. And it works out so well. And kinda goofy at the same time. And the art. OH MAN THE ART IS AMAZING. LOOK AT THIS. IT SELLS THE COMIC SO WELL. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING:
Where to begin? First off, Peter Parker molting into THE SPECTACULAR SPIDERJERK is amazing. The flowbee haircut and wacky expressions nail it. (Don't ask how me turns a newspaper into melting plastic). Just the looks are so good.
Then there's the story. He tells Ben and May to fuck off, live trolls JJ into becoming AN EVIL MASTERMIND by ruining his life outright and he gets Daredevil killed. Now you want a What If that changes things AND gives you a wild ride, this is it. Fuck Rick Jones. Fuck the Invaders. Fuck 3-D Man three times. This is the way the WHAT IF. I give this 10 not kidding about the scores out of 10.
#20 What If the Avengers Had Fought the Skrull-Kree War Without Rick Jones? Oh fuck you Roy Thomas. Seriously. Eat shit with this. Fuck Rick Jones. HE'S JUST A GUY, DADDY-O. So fucking boring. Not to mention this one barely deviates from the actual comic it's based on. What lazy cunty shit. Not going to grade this snoozefest.
#21: What If the Invisible Woman Has Married Namor?: Who fucking cares? Namor continues to the most pretentious, shit eating super hero ever created. Why didn't he just fucking fade away in the 19040s with the WHIZZER and all of those other stupid shithead creations that no one liked?
This comic's only redeeming point is Reed Richards basically tries to commit genocide to get back at Namor by killing Atlantis. On one hand, genocide be bad, mmkay. On the other hand, Namor sucks cock. So it's a wash. And of course, it ends with a happy dippy ending with Reed "realizing his terrible mistake" and blah blah blah who fucking cares. Namor sucks huge dong. There has never been a good comic with "Aquaman with Less Clothing" in it. I rate this 1 Reed Beard out of 10 for Genocidal Mr Fantastic.
#22: What If Dr Doom Had Become a Hero? This one is decent. It basically gives Doom a happy ending until it doesn't. But it's otherwise fine. The ending is fortunately a grey ending so that's good but also a lazy ending (He says I should ask Dr Strange for help... and never does). I do want to say that the costume designs they use to remake the heros for What If has been fucking atrocious. The good guy Doom armor was as lazy as you can get, which goes hand in hand with the Reed-Brain-in-Dr-Doom-Armor from that other issue as well as Bad Guy Now Good Guy Dr Strange. All very lazy. Basically, Mortal Kombat palette swaps with the same level of effort and the same name. This one gets 4 SO SAYS DOOMS out of 10.
#23 What If the Hulk Became a Barbarian? This could be awesome if it wasn't TOTAL FUCKING HORSESHIT. The cover? Hulk as Barbarian. Inside? "What if Hulk's girlfriend hadn't died". Wait, what. Yes, that's right. Typical comic cover/comic bullshit to swing sales. He never picks up an axe, never puts on a helmet, no Conan vibes or fucking anything. FUCK YOU ROY THOMAS. What impossible bullshit is this. Usually when the "this doesn't happen in the comic" cover happens, it's at least tangently related to what happens inside. Not here.
As far as the actual story, it's minorly interesting and basically a fork of what actually happened as opposed to a complete reimagining. It's readable but otherwise horseshit. And the What If collection I am reading? HAS HULK AS A BARBARIAN ON THE COVER. FUCK YOU MARVEL. Doubling down on your bait and switch.
The story is at least short, unlike endless, tedious affairs like Sgt Fury in Space and Rick Jones: Skrull-Kree Douchebag. And that's because there is a non-related to What If story about the Celestials and the Eternals (yawn) and then... WHAT IF AUNT MAY GOT BIT BY THE SPIDER. Which is insanely boring and basically plays the same way as it did Peter Parker except Aunt May keeps saying old timey old people in the 70s colloquialisms like LAND O GOSHEN and GRACIOUS. But Peter is a wimpy nerd in this, again. Marvel sure hates nerds. They could have made this more insane but all we got is May using overyeasted, underbaked bread dough as web fluid. I'm not kidding.
And that's it for this post. That's the end of What If Vol 1 Book 2 that I've been reading so we are at the halfway point. Tune in next time claw so you can get more mad.
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