Make Claw Mad #2: What If Volume 1 Is Dumb Part II

 I'm back and this post will probably make claw mad again. The issues reviewed in this post don't get better - in fact they get worse - and THEN they start to improve slightly. Let's get to it:

#8: What If Everyone Knew Daredevil Was Blind: This one is a one trick pony. Simply, Electro notices Daredevil is blind so he basically retires and becomes district attorney. Wat. Yeah, that's it. As usual, a very long winded comic for very little payoff. Instead of one big reveal, Electro basically goes "Wait a second..." and that's it. How this series survived such lackluster garbage I will never know.

I give this one 3 one trick ponies out of 10.

#9: What If The Avengers Fought Evil in the 1950s: Hold onto your butts for this. This is quite possibly the worst wrangling of the lamest superheroes ever made. The issue opens with the real Avengers watching this on multidimensional TV. How they didn't turn it off halfway through, I'm never know.

If you thought the Invaders were comically lame, you've seen nothing yet. First off, is Gorilla Man:

Stop me if you've heard this one before, but he's a gorilla. man. Dumb.

Then there's Marvel Boy:

He was completely useless. If this was the banner hero for the 1950s Marvel (or whatever it was called at the time), then I am shocked they made it to the 60s. Stan was indeed the Man if this is what they could come up with. Then there's Venus (imagine Thor but lamer) and THE HUMAN ROBOT, which is somehow lazier than GORILLA MAN. But none of these compare to the GOD KING OF LAME SUPERHEROES. I bet Roy Thomas fapped while he came up with this one. It's 3-D MAN.

Yes, 3-D Man. He's 3-D because he has... the strength of 3 people. The speed of 3 people. The disappointment of 3 million people. The waste of ink of 300,000 copies of this issue. And he can only be 3-D Man for THREE HOURS. "Oh hey Ultron, I have to go, I'll be back in tomorrow because my 3 hours are up". 

And why yes, you ask, that is in fact the worst drawing of Dwight Eisenhower ever created next to 3-D Man. The villians that kidnap him are lamer than the heroes and I don't want to mention them except for VIDEO. Yes, the villain's name was Video. And of course the generic Ruskie villian. This has been the worst issue far and away. I cannot rate this because it is so horrendous.

Issue #10: What If Jane Foster Found Thor's Hammer?: Somehow, someway, after that last shitstorm, the first readable issue of What If has been produced. Pretty much an entire issue of Odin fuming and fussing and then saying HEY JANE, SUCK MY ENTIRE DONG, K? Definitely the least woke issue so far, as Odin basically drops trou and tells Jane that she's marrying him. Really just lazy writing, because, as you can imagine, the real Thor shows up and then THORDIS (who dis thordis) is basically benched out of sight. But your consolation prize is Mrs Odin. How's that for women's rights? I give this one a 5 WHO DIS's out of 10.

Issue #11: What If The Marvel Bullpen Became... the Fantastic Four? Wait, am I reading this right? Are you fucking kidding? What kind of self serving horseshit is this?: Oh yes dear reader, you are reading this right. So if you go to the letters page at the back, the whole reason for this comic's existence is explained. 

Jack Kirby peaced out of Marvel in the early 70s for DC. Oops. Marvel then convinced him to come back. And they gifted him this issue of What If to do whatever he wanted... and this is what he fucking did. Whatever contact dispute caused him to leave was ever present because he came back and produced this fuck you of a travesty. The best part is our boy ROY T. was like "hey mr kirby do you mind if i be part of this issue as one of the fantastic four" and Jack was like "NO YOU LITTLE CUNT HAHA I THINK I'LL TAKE SOL BRODSKY AND THE RECEPTIONIST INSTEAD LOL". I am not making this up. Thomas literally admits he asked and was shot down. Hilarious.

This issue is so bad, I didn't finish reading it. It's so self serving and aggrandizing that it's unreadable. I award it no fake rating and may god have mercy on its soul.

Issue #12: What If Rick Jones Had Become The Hulk: What if Roy Thomas pretended he was Rick Jones because that is literally half of the issues of What If I have read so far. The most important character in Marvel is the stupid douchebag that cause Bruce Banner to become the Hulk. 

This issue at least ended with split-from-Rick Hulk ruling the Negative Zone and fucking the women creatures in the Negative Zone. Again, not making this up. It's just ok considering the Rick Jones fan fiction. I give it 2 Rick Jones shrines out of 10.

Issue #13: What If Conan Walked the Earth of Today: Kind of out of nowhere, it's Conan. I guess this works as a standalone story, but if you told me it was a normal Conan issue, I'd believe you. It's fairly innocuous, with Conan more or less fighting normal people in the 70s, like art thieves. But he does get laid, daddy-o. In typical Roy Thomas, it's lazy. So I give it 3 claws out of 10 claws.

Issue #14: What If Sgt Fury Had Fought World War II in Outer Space: The whole What If thing is what if you took one plot point in an storyline and changed it and diverted from there. Then there's this shit. Basically shitty Roy Thomas fan fiction. The story is boring as fuck and goes nowhere because they came up with a concept first and then had no story behind it. This was total shit that I didn't finish. I give it zero bowler hats out of 10.

Issue #15: What If Someone Else Had Become Nova: This is some wacky shit. While you'd think this would just be like "Daredevil, Dr Doom and Kingpin" becoming Nova, it's not. They do have Spider-Man become Nova, which was an insane waste but I'll get to that. Instead, they have three nobodies becomes Nova and it's weird. The first is a pissed off chick who basically kills every bad guy in sight to avenge her dead boyfriend... only to be trapped in the Negative Zone by the FF, because that's nice of them (Jerks). Then a hobo becomes Nova. Yeah. And then, a random criminal becomes Nova and somehow rallies all the villains to kill all the superheroes, which they do, until they all kill each other and... the Sphinx is the only one left? Wat.

And finally, Spider-Man. Instead of getting powers from his spider bite, he becomes paralyzed and pissy. And that's basically the gist. He gets the Nova powers and pisses and moans the whole time. Then he ditches the suit when he accidentally kills someone. WHAT IF SPIDERMAN WAS A LITTLE BITCH. I grade this one 4 stories in one issue out of 10.

That's it for now. Next time, so claw doesn't get too mad, I will review an issue which is fucking amazing (seriously) and will get a 10 out of 10 from me. I'm not kidding. It was so good and the art sealed the deal. But for now, the issues on this post mostly ate asshole.