The Officially Official ATHF Rankings, Part II: The Lazy

Since I lost interest in doing this and now am doing it, it's Part II: The Lazy-ing. Kind of like the Clowning or Cubing. Since I can see my interest waining, let's get to this and write one liners (or so) instead of rating each nuance..

1 Ep. 25 Super Trivia: The best episode. Frylock drives most of this episode and it's by far his best showing. Meatwad and Shake are collateral damage which is rare and really funny. Prime Carl. Because you gotta say the two balls part. The final question is probably the best line in the entire series, not quotable but so bizarre, it's amazing.

2 Ep. 31 Total Recarl: The ultimate Carl episode. Starting with the toilet (Fiber tablets. Yum.) and ending with all the insane ways they try and resurrect him, the episode is really excellent because they mangle Carl and then keep going. The ending is also perfect with "I want to liiiiiiiiive" and "Fart you, farter".

3 Ep. 43 Video Ouija: The whole billywitchdoctor.com sequence is obscene. It's so stupid that it's genius. Then you get the whole initial sequence with Video Ouija and Shake. Peppered with classic Carl lines ("Ok! Watch your back!" and "My hand is gonna smell like a burguh"). 

4 Ep. 139 The Greatest Story Ever Told: One of the greatest final episodes, fuck you claw. It makes you wonder what kind of insanity they could have pulled off had they paired Frylock and Carl together previously in this way. The dumbest not-a-guest-spot with Christopher Lambert ("Lambear... the T is silent. I'm from ... Sco... Land") is prime choice. Meatwad is a little underused, tacked on with Shake, but Shake is the kind of obliviousness we've come to love. PLUS! All the new side characters and surviving characters from The Last One. And George Lowe. And Unbelievable Ron. They totally 180°d the awful previous final-not-final episode.

5 Ep. 80 Shake Like Me: Ok, fuck you HBO Max, this skewers black and white people equally. They dust off Boxy Brown for christ's sake, what more would anyone want?

6 Ep. 30 Frat Aliens: The best guest character is Patton Oswalt (who somehow did the awful Ezekiel) as D to the P and Skeeter. Choice Carl too. The ending with the Plutonites is probably the most I've ever been able to tolerate them because they are, teh suck.

7 Ep. 117 Fightan Titan: This came out of nowhere, with Paul (from one of the Markula episodes) and then the whole robot thing. It's pretty much a Carl/Shake/Meatwad trifecta. Carl and his dong, Shake with the legs and holy shit, Meatwad with the arms. The ending with the laser charging is classic.

8 Ep. 44 Unremarkable Journey: Probably the best Shake as a total asshole episode. Hit 'em with the shamoo is a top 5 line for me.

9 Ep. 77 The Marines: Also out of nowhere, Meatwad drives this episode and drags Shake along with it which is why it works so well. Frylock in Canada is dry and awesome. Warrior Gum, kicks butt, the flavor goes on and on.

10 Ep. 47 eDork: Probably the best Shake is a clueless moron episode. He even ropes in Carl perfectly ("Can someone please turn off the porn?"). 

11 Ep. 39 The Last One: A perfect combo of all the guest characters up to this point. Probably what inspired them to do Spacecataz. 

12 Ep. 14 Interfection: The Wyyzzrd is a great character that got left behind in season one but it is one of the first true to form episodes along with Dumber Dolls and Love Mummy imo that fit in with the rest of the series (since some of the very first episodes hadn't found their footing). 

13 Ep. 27 Super Computer: OOG RIP HEAD OFF ARRR. Oog is pretty fantastic.

14 Ep. 97 Multiple Meat: The ultimate Meatwad episode. A good one specifically as Shake abuses him and it has zero effect and just makes the episode funnier.

15 Ep. 12 Love Mummy: CUUUUUUURSE. The show's nature really starts poking through now, with the episode ending with both the Love Mummy getting thrown away and Carl turning into a snake person, foreshadowing at the extreme Carl misfortune to come that made the show so great.

16 Ep. 33 Revenge of the Trees: Just a really good episode. Tree Court is awesome.

17 Ep. 21 Super Hero: When Shake manufactures his own reality, he does it well and this episode is proof.

18 Ep. 24 Super Model: Solid Shake abuse right here.

19 Ep. 92 Eggball: I want that pinball cab. The birds and the big gay baby are a nice topping on a whole ton of moronic Shake stuff.

20 Ep. 79 Gene E: Ka-gay. I love this episode even if it isn't very objectively good. Just the whole Ka-blingo thing and Shake's spec script. 

21 Ep. 13 Dumber Dolls: A classic episode that highlights Meatwad's innocence in a funny way. David Cross nails this in every way.

22 Ep. 35 Broodwich: Another classic. The Don Hertzfeldt dimension was a nice touch and the whole concept is delightfully bonkers.

23 Ep. 38 Cubing: This one time, I ate boiled peanuts. 

24 Ep. 121 Muscles: This episode grew on me, the insane muscles really steals the show and the Shake abuse is top notch both before the muscles are subdued and after.

25 Ep. 129 Piranha Germs: This also snuck into the top 25. Don's fast talking, leading Shake around by the nose act is really amazing and the ending with the ice cream truck is classic ATHF. 

Make Claw Mad #3: What If Volume 1 Is Dumb Part III

 I might have to change this title because some of these issues aren't dumb.... but then they get dumb again. Ok claw, get that CAPS LOCK locked because here we go:

#16: What If Shang Chi Fought on the Side of Fu Manchu?: Probably the most forgettable issue I have read so far. I'll be honest... I don't remember anything about it. Does anyone remember Shang Chi? No one? That's what I thought. Yet Marvel/Disney desperately needed a Chinese property to appease Chinese movie audiences (who lol spend more than the US) so they dug up this solid nugget. This movie will tank in the US, make good bank in China and give us a sequel no one cares about. The movie is called Shang Chi and the 10 Rings and lol, they were forced to white wash Mandarin in Iron Man 3 so they don't have him for this movie. Lol cinematic universes. Anywhere else, they would just reboot Mandarin and have him back in the saddle. But now they are stuck with him being drunk Ben Kingsley. 

Holy shit, I forgot I was reviewing a comic so forgettable I lost track of it mid review. I give this issue infinite huhs out of infinite wats.

#17: What If Ghost Rider, Spider-Woman and Captain Marvel were Villains? This issue fucking blew because, as a reoccurring theme here, the title of the issue is more interesting than the tale they tell. These three don't end up so much bad guys, but as not being Captain America-style do-gooders. A little off the holier than thou rails but that's it. So it's fucking stupid. Spider-Woman doesn't go around robbing banks here - she just gets forced to do a bad thing or two to find out who she is. That's it. Ghost Rider isn't driving around incinerating grandmas.

While I have adored the concept of What If, I am finding that the original ones are more names than anything as opposed to stories that really world build around the concept. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the modern What Ifs they put out in like 2019 were complete garbage. It's a hard concept to get right. I rate this issue a 10 out of 10 in name only, because the 10 is only a 1 like this comic's premise.

#18: What If Dr Strange Was A Disciple of Dormammu? At least with this issue, they get it right with good guy => bad guy unlike the last issue. Unfortunately, also a trend here, they end up with the BAD GUY GOOD GUY becoming a GOOD GOOD GUY in the end. Come on, commit to the concept. This is a pretty by the book What If. Strange gets lured into Dormammu's willies and he does bad stuff than, woop, he ends up good in the end. Other than the ending, this was a fine take. I give it 5 M's in Dormammu's Name out of 10.

#19: What If Spider-Man Had Never Become A Crime Fighter? Here it is. No joke, the best What If so far. Why is it so good? Because not only does it take Spider-Man to a new place, it fully takes J. Jonah Jameson to one too. And it works out so well. And kinda goofy at the same time. And the art. OH MAN THE ART IS AMAZING. LOOK AT THIS. IT SELLS THE COMIC SO WELL. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING:

Where to begin? First off, Peter Parker molting into THE SPECTACULAR SPIDERJERK is amazing. The flowbee haircut and wacky expressions nail it. (Don't ask how me turns a newspaper into melting plastic). Just the looks are so good.

Then there's the story. He tells Ben and May to fuck off, live trolls JJ into becoming AN EVIL MASTERMIND by ruining his life outright and he gets Daredevil killed. Now you want a What If that changes things AND gives you a wild ride, this is it. Fuck Rick Jones. Fuck the Invaders. Fuck 3-D Man three times. This is the way the WHAT IF. I give this 10 not kidding about the scores out of 10.

#20 What If the Avengers Had Fought the Skrull-Kree War Without Rick Jones? Oh fuck you Roy Thomas. Seriously. Eat shit with this. Fuck Rick Jones. HE'S JUST A GUY, DADDY-O. So fucking boring. Not to mention this one barely deviates from the actual comic it's based on. What lazy cunty shit. Not going to grade this snoozefest.

#21: What If the Invisible Woman Has Married Namor?: Who fucking cares? Namor continues to the most pretentious, shit eating super hero ever created. Why didn't he just fucking fade away in the 19040s with the WHIZZER and all of those other stupid shithead creations that no one liked?

This comic's only redeeming point is Reed Richards basically tries to commit genocide to get back at Namor by killing Atlantis. On one hand, genocide be bad, mmkay. On the other hand, Namor sucks cock. So it's a wash. And of course, it ends with a happy dippy ending with Reed "realizing his terrible mistake" and blah blah blah who fucking cares. Namor sucks huge dong. There has never been a good comic with "Aquaman with Less Clothing" in it. I rate this 1 Reed Beard out of 10 for Genocidal Mr Fantastic.

#22: What If Dr Doom Had Become a Hero? This one is decent. It basically gives Doom a happy ending until it doesn't. But it's otherwise fine. The ending is fortunately a grey ending so that's good but also a lazy ending (He says I should ask Dr Strange for help... and never does). I do want to say that the costume designs they use to remake the heros for What If has been fucking atrocious. The good guy Doom armor was as lazy as you can get, which goes hand in hand with the Reed-Brain-in-Dr-Doom-Armor from that other issue as well as Bad Guy Now Good Guy Dr Strange. All very lazy. Basically, Mortal Kombat palette swaps with the same level of effort and the same name. This one gets 4 SO SAYS DOOMS out of 10.

#23 What If the Hulk Became a Barbarian? This could be awesome if it wasn't TOTAL FUCKING HORSESHIT. The cover? Hulk as Barbarian. Inside? "What if Hulk's girlfriend hadn't died". Wait, what. Yes, that's right. Typical comic cover/comic bullshit to swing sales. He never picks up an axe, never puts on a helmet, no Conan vibes or fucking anything. FUCK YOU ROY THOMAS. What impossible bullshit is this. Usually when the "this doesn't happen in the comic" cover happens, it's at least tangently related to what happens inside. Not here.

As far as the actual story, it's minorly interesting and basically a fork of what actually happened as opposed to a complete reimagining. It's readable but otherwise horseshit. And the What If collection I am reading? HAS HULK AS A BARBARIAN ON THE COVER. FUCK YOU MARVEL. Doubling down on your bait and switch. 

The story is at least short, unlike endless, tedious affairs like Sgt Fury in Space and Rick Jones: Skrull-Kree Douchebag. And that's because there is a non-related to What If story about the Celestials and the Eternals (yawn) and then... WHAT IF AUNT MAY GOT BIT BY THE SPIDER. Which is insanely boring and basically plays the same way as it did Peter Parker except Aunt May keeps saying old timey old people in the 70s colloquialisms like LAND O GOSHEN and GRACIOUS. But Peter is a wimpy nerd in this, again. Marvel sure hates nerds. They could have made this more insane but all we got is May using overyeasted, underbaked bread dough as web fluid. I'm not kidding.

And that's it for this post. That's the end of What If Vol 1 Book 2 that I've been reading so we are at the halfway point. Tune in next time claw so you can get more mad.

Make Claw Mad #2: What If Volume 1 Is Dumb Part II

 I'm back and this post will probably make claw mad again. The issues reviewed in this post don't get better - in fact they get worse - and THEN they start to improve slightly. Let's get to it:

#8: What If Everyone Knew Daredevil Was Blind: This one is a one trick pony. Simply, Electro notices Daredevil is blind so he basically retires and becomes district attorney. Wat. Yeah, that's it. As usual, a very long winded comic for very little payoff. Instead of one big reveal, Electro basically goes "Wait a second..." and that's it. How this series survived such lackluster garbage I will never know.

I give this one 3 one trick ponies out of 10.

#9: What If The Avengers Fought Evil in the 1950s: Hold onto your butts for this. This is quite possibly the worst wrangling of the lamest superheroes ever made. The issue opens with the real Avengers watching this on multidimensional TV. How they didn't turn it off halfway through, I'm never know.

If you thought the Invaders were comically lame, you've seen nothing yet. First off, is Gorilla Man:

Stop me if you've heard this one before, but he's a gorilla. man. Dumb.

Then there's Marvel Boy:

He was completely useless. If this was the banner hero for the 1950s Marvel (or whatever it was called at the time), then I am shocked they made it to the 60s. Stan was indeed the Man if this is what they could come up with. Then there's Venus (imagine Thor but lamer) and THE HUMAN ROBOT, which is somehow lazier than GORILLA MAN. But none of these compare to the GOD KING OF LAME SUPERHEROES. I bet Roy Thomas fapped while he came up with this one. It's 3-D MAN.

Yes, 3-D Man. He's 3-D because he has... the strength of 3 people. The speed of 3 people. The disappointment of 3 million people. The waste of ink of 300,000 copies of this issue. And he can only be 3-D Man for THREE HOURS. "Oh hey Ultron, I have to go, I'll be back in tomorrow because my 3 hours are up". 

And why yes, you ask, that is in fact the worst drawing of Dwight Eisenhower ever created next to 3-D Man. The villians that kidnap him are lamer than the heroes and I don't want to mention them except for VIDEO. Yes, the villain's name was Video. And of course the generic Ruskie villian. This has been the worst issue far and away. I cannot rate this because it is so horrendous.

Issue #10: What If Jane Foster Found Thor's Hammer?: Somehow, someway, after that last shitstorm, the first readable issue of What If has been produced. Pretty much an entire issue of Odin fuming and fussing and then saying HEY JANE, SUCK MY ENTIRE DONG, K? Definitely the least woke issue so far, as Odin basically drops trou and tells Jane that she's marrying him. Really just lazy writing, because, as you can imagine, the real Thor shows up and then THORDIS (who dis thordis) is basically benched out of sight. But your consolation prize is Mrs Odin. How's that for women's rights? I give this one a 5 WHO DIS's out of 10.

Issue #11: What If The Marvel Bullpen Became... the Fantastic Four? Wait, am I reading this right? Are you fucking kidding? What kind of self serving horseshit is this?: Oh yes dear reader, you are reading this right. So if you go to the letters page at the back, the whole reason for this comic's existence is explained. 

Jack Kirby peaced out of Marvel in the early 70s for DC. Oops. Marvel then convinced him to come back. And they gifted him this issue of What If to do whatever he wanted... and this is what he fucking did. Whatever contact dispute caused him to leave was ever present because he came back and produced this fuck you of a travesty. The best part is our boy ROY T. was like "hey mr kirby do you mind if i be part of this issue as one of the fantastic four" and Jack was like "NO YOU LITTLE CUNT HAHA I THINK I'LL TAKE SOL BRODSKY AND THE RECEPTIONIST INSTEAD LOL". I am not making this up. Thomas literally admits he asked and was shot down. Hilarious.

This issue is so bad, I didn't finish reading it. It's so self serving and aggrandizing that it's unreadable. I award it no fake rating and may god have mercy on its soul.

Issue #12: What If Rick Jones Had Become The Hulk: What if Roy Thomas pretended he was Rick Jones because that is literally half of the issues of What If I have read so far. The most important character in Marvel is the stupid douchebag that cause Bruce Banner to become the Hulk. 

This issue at least ended with split-from-Rick Hulk ruling the Negative Zone and fucking the women creatures in the Negative Zone. Again, not making this up. It's just ok considering the Rick Jones fan fiction. I give it 2 Rick Jones shrines out of 10.

Issue #13: What If Conan Walked the Earth of Today: Kind of out of nowhere, it's Conan. I guess this works as a standalone story, but if you told me it was a normal Conan issue, I'd believe you. It's fairly innocuous, with Conan more or less fighting normal people in the 70s, like art thieves. But he does get laid, daddy-o. In typical Roy Thomas, it's lazy. So I give it 3 claws out of 10 claws.

Issue #14: What If Sgt Fury Had Fought World War II in Outer Space: The whole What If thing is what if you took one plot point in an storyline and changed it and diverted from there. Then there's this shit. Basically shitty Roy Thomas fan fiction. The story is boring as fuck and goes nowhere because they came up with a concept first and then had no story behind it. This was total shit that I didn't finish. I give it zero bowler hats out of 10.

Issue #15: What If Someone Else Had Become Nova: This is some wacky shit. While you'd think this would just be like "Daredevil, Dr Doom and Kingpin" becoming Nova, it's not. They do have Spider-Man become Nova, which was an insane waste but I'll get to that. Instead, they have three nobodies becomes Nova and it's weird. The first is a pissed off chick who basically kills every bad guy in sight to avenge her dead boyfriend... only to be trapped in the Negative Zone by the FF, because that's nice of them (Jerks). Then a hobo becomes Nova. Yeah. And then, a random criminal becomes Nova and somehow rallies all the villains to kill all the superheroes, which they do, until they all kill each other and... the Sphinx is the only one left? Wat.

And finally, Spider-Man. Instead of getting powers from his spider bite, he becomes paralyzed and pissy. And that's basically the gist. He gets the Nova powers and pisses and moans the whole time. Then he ditches the suit when he accidentally kills someone. WHAT IF SPIDERMAN WAS A LITTLE BITCH. I grade this one 4 stories in one issue out of 10.

That's it for now. Next time, so claw doesn't get too mad, I will review an issue which is fucking amazing (seriously) and will get a 10 out of 10 from me. I'm not kidding. It was so good and the art sealed the deal. But for now, the issues on this post mostly ate asshole.

Birdgirl: The Mostly Not Woke Definitive Review No One Will Read

 So they made a spinoff of Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law. And it's based on Birdgirl! On Sundays at 12am EST, it's a half hour format (as opposed to 11 minutes like Birdman). It follows Judy Ken Sebben as she takes over Sebben & Sebben on the death of Phil (Ha HA!). S&S has now turned completely into its conglomerate form only kind of touched on in Birdman, as opposed to the law firm.

So how is it? It's ok. It's not Birdman - not even close. But it's just ok. The biggest problem is the best part of the show is Judy and the ensemble they drummed up to go with her drown her out. That's not to say the cast isn't good - Meredith the Mindtaker is the best supporting character (even though she does the Bweoop wrong... how do you fuck that up?.. and the bra on the outside... is that a Instagram thing or something) and Dog with Bucket Hat (voiced by RAWLS from The Wire... amazing but also very underused) but the show is BIRDGIRL. Can I get mostly Birdgirl?

The other side characters are take it or (mostly) leave it. Gillian is basically Pam and Cheryl from Archer combined, but not as filthy. Charlie has potential and hopefully they build upon the dark comedy they've set up so far but she's otherwise been a waste of episode time. And then there's Tony Hale's Paul. At times I feel like shows add characters just to emasculate and Paul definitely "feels" that way. He's also painfully unfunny. Brian O'Brien doesn't even feel like a main cast member and he's usually just cannon fodder.

Six episodes have aired and the plots have at least been all over the place. I just hope they realize that the side characters they have aren't as compelling or as funny as the ones from Birdman and focus more on Judy. They can easily play off the absurdity of Sebben & Sebben (and they have) so hopefully they will keep doing that.

The Officially Official ATHF Rankings, Part I: The Bad

 Here we are, part 1 of what's probably going to be a 7 part series. EAT THAT, CLAW. We start from the worst to the best, so let's start off with the worst episode and go from there...

#140 - Ep. 60 Party All The Time

Monster of the Week: … Cancer.

Plot Insanity: 0/10. Frylock gets cancer. Yikes. That’s the whole episode.

Shakeisms: 0/10. Everything Shake does is overshadowed by Frylock’s cancer. And then Shake is NICE to Frylock. Wat.

Carl Factor: 0/10. See the Shakeism.

Meatwadded 0/10. Is Meatwad even in this episode?

Guest Stars & Cameos: 0/10. A guest spot by Andrew WK should have been incredible. It wasn’t.

Review: It’s at the bottom because it’s not just a waste of Andrew WK, not just because it’s not funny but it’s morose and somehow fails at anti-comedy.

#139 - Ep. 59 Hand Banana

Monster of the Week: Hand Banana

Plot Insanity: 2/10. A balloon comes to life and starts raping Carl. Yeah.

Shakeisms: 0/10. I don’t even know.

Carl Factor: 0/10. The wrong kind of Carl abuse.

Meatwadded 0/10. Nope.

Guest Stars & Cameos: 0/10. Handbanana sucks.

Review: It’s usually always funny when Carl is abused, killed, whatever… but somehow this is not funny at all. It goes on too long and buries what little joke was made.

#138 – Ep. 63 Grim Reaper Gutters

Monster of the Week: Greg from Grim Reaper Gutters.

Plot Insanity 1/10. Aside from Greg from Grim Reaper Gutters showing up, the episode is basically a Seinfeld episode in that it’s about nothing.

Shakeisms: 0/10. For what feels like the only time, Shake is lost in his own plot line. When Shake is going some place with his plot (like with the Drizzle), it has a clear focus. This episode, he does not.

Carl Factor: 3/10. Shows up and dies. Not the first or the last time.

Meatwadded 0/10. Gets sucked into the vortex with Shake. If you told me they ad libbed most of this episode, I would believe you.

Guest Stars & Cameos: 0/10. Tera Patrick, adult film star at the time, shows up here for no reason. My guess is she liked the show, wanted to be on it and they couldn’t do anything that would make use of her talents. So we get this heap.

Review: This episode goes nowhere and ends nowhere. Something was fundamentally wrong here. Either Greg got pushed out for Tera Patrick or they were way too high or something. Who knows.

#137 – Ep. 61 Bart Oates

Monster of the Week: …Bart Oates? Former NY GNATS football player.

Plot Insanity 4/10. The ghost of Bart Oates follows Carl around like a ghost of Xmas past. It’s weirder than usual.

Shakeisms: 0/10. It’s a Carl episode.

Carl Factor: 2/10. Entirely Carl focused episode don’t really work. They focus on Carl’s sad sack nature and it comes off flat.

Meatwadded 0/10. It’s a Carl episode.

Guest Stars & Cameos: Bart Oates, literally. Uh. Sure. I am assuming this is another cold call question for a guest spot?

Review: It’s just a really flat episode. It more or less works like The Dressing but the wacky character has been replaced by… Bart Oates. The Dressing is more exaggerated so it is a lot less depressing.

#136 – Ep. 65 Ezekiel

Monster of the Week: Ezekiel… Shake’s son? Or something.

Plot Insanity 0/10. It’s Shake’s son. Or clone. I can’t remember.

Shakeisms: 0/10. There is just no way this could have worked. Shake operates on being a total narcistic jerk.

Carl Factor: 0/10. Is he even in this episode?

Meatwadded 0/10. A non-factor.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. Patton Oswalt is notable for having one amazing episode (Frat Aliens) and one horrible one (this episode). He uses his whiny kid voice and man, it is obnoxious.

Review: This is part of a small stretch of absolute garbage the ATHF team crapped out.

#135 – Ep. 58 Dickeisode

Monster of the Week: Dr Wongburger, an adversary of questionable usefulness.

Plot Insanity 1/10. I don’t know what is worse – that they came up with this plot at all or that they basically recycled it for Plaque Lagoon and Hands on a Hamburger.

Shakeisms: 0/10. Frylock is the only one who seems to care that Wongburger exists, mercifully.

Carl Factor: 2/10. This episode reeks of Hand Banana-ness but thankfully without the awkward silence that Hand Banana creates.

Meatwadded 0/10. A few one liners from Meatwad but otherwise a non-factor.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. Tommy Blancha does the voice of Wongburger, but no one cares.

Review: In a show that most people would call stupid from the first episode to the last, they really sank to the bottom with Wongburger, a stupid show’s stupidest character. I’m glad he only got 3 episodes.

#134 – Ep. 88 The Last Episode Forever and Ever

Monster of the Week: H. Jon Benajmin.

Plot Insanity 1/10. It gets a lone point for the water catching on fire.

Shakeisms: -10/10. Sweet jesus, no. NO. What were they thinking?

Carl Factor: 2/10. The guy they got for Carl wasn’t terrible, but there is no human on Earth that IS Carl. However, real Carl gets the “they really were an Aqua Teen Hunger Force line” which at least segued into the much better Rabbot Redux.

Meatwadded 0/10. He was a damned yoga ball. Come on now.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. I’m so glad this wasn’t the actual final episode. At least T-Pain was minorly enjoyable.

Review: A live action episode! And it’s miserable! HOW. WHY.

#133 – Ep. 139 Last One Forever And Ever (We Mean It This Time)

Monster of the Week: A giant clam?

Plot Insanity 1/10. Recharging Frylock’s back jewel. But this is an actual plot as opposed to what we normally get so it doesn’t work.

Shakeisms: 3/10. A pretty by the book Shake episode.

Carl Factor: 0/10. I have no memory of him in this episode.

Meatwadded 4/10. The ending was amusing at least.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. None.

Review: So glad this wasn’t the final episode (it will be a while before you read about the real final episode). This one went on way too long and was way too plot heavy. If ATHF is written like a normal show, it falls apart and this is proof.

#132 – Ep. 110 Last Dance for Napkin Lad

Monster of the Week: Napkin Lad. At least he was in SGC2C.

Plot Insanity 0/10. There was a plot but it was NOT insane. It was bizarrely normal. No thanks.

Shakeisms: 0/10. No one really acted like themselves.

Carl Factor: 1/10. One point for the fake mustache.

Meatwadded 0/10. See the Shake writeup.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. Just Napkin Lad, which goes over as well as Chicken Bittle did in the movie.

Review: This would be normal for any other TV series, but this episode was weird for ATHF. It’s like making a normal show out of a parody. More of a novelty than anything.

#131 – Ep. 130 Spacecadeuce

Monster of the Week: Ignigknot, Err, Emory and Oglethorpe.

Plot Insanity 7/10. Basically an Event Horizon parody. It flies off the rails fast.

Shakeisms: 0/10. No Shake.

Carl Factor: 0/10. No Carl.

Meatwadded 0/10. No Meatwad.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. Nobody but the Spacecataz characters.

Review: They must have been running out of ideas because this almost certainly was a Spacecataz script that never got made when the pilot rightfully got passed on. The episode weirdly meanders and even though it invokes Season 1-2 ATHF vibes, it just doesn’t go anywhere and doesn’t deliver any laughs. Unfortunately the last appearance of both sets of characters.

#130 – Allen Part 1

Monster of the Week: Danny the Facehugger Thing.

Plot Insanity 0/10. Ran out of ideas much? There was basically no plot here, nor any jokes unless you think Steven Wright planting eggs in Shake and Shake not exploding is funny.

Shakeisms: 5/10. It’s basically a Shake episode but even then, he doesn’t really do much.

Carl Factor: 0/10. No Carl again.

Meatwadded 0/10. Meatwad is a cipher for the audience here. He does nothing and adds nothing.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. What a waste of Steven Wright’s amazing deadpan delivery.

Review: The only thing not dragging this down into the bottom 10 is the Dr Weird intro and the first time the amazing Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1 intro is used. Otherwise this episode is lazier than usual.

#129 – Allen Part 2

Monster of the Week: Allen… actually Alien.

Plot Insanity 2/10. The most insane thing about this episode is that’s a Part II that’s basically unrelated to Part I. Which really isn’t unusual considering ATHF.

Shakeisms: 2/10. Shake drives this episode again but is overshadowed by the Allen laser thing.

Carl Factor: 0/10. I honestly don’t remember Carl in this episode.

Meatwadded 0/10. A brief nothing that adds nothing.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. Allen is the worst guest character since Dr. Wongburger.

Review: Probably would have worked better if the space ship was over the ATHF house, but then it’d basically be the far superior Antenna. It’s hard to like this episode especially once Shake meets Allen.

#128 – Ep. 83 The Creature from the Plague Lagoon

Monster of the Week: The Creature from the Plague Lagoon and Dr. Wongburger for the 2^nd time.

Plot Insanity 2/10. Instead of dicks, it’s teeth and it goes from there.

Shakeisms: 1/10. Shake without teeth. That’s about it.

Carl Factor: 0/10. No Carl.

Meatwadded 0/10. Meatwad without tooth. Also about it.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. They couldn’t find a better character for Blancha to voice? Come on. Gary the Dairy Fairy might as well been Bart Oates again. Pass.

Review: This feels like a normal episode and then apparently their fixation on Dr. Wongburger needs a fix and here he is again, but now he’s a tooth seeking teeth to escape Earth. Groan.

#127 – Ep. 2 And A Half Stars Out of 5

Monster of the Week: Drewbacca, the Chewbacca parody.

Plot Insanity 3/10. In what really feels like an episode of old, this one has another quirky/insane guest character running around. The problem is he runs into the ground.

Shakeisms: 1/10. I was waiting for a Love Mummy-esque “Yeah you’re Chewbacca, shut up, enough already”. Never got it.

Carl Factor: 2/10. Carl gets killed by Chewbacca so that’s at least normal.

Meatwadded 0/10. Another episode where he a non-factor.

Guest Stars & Cameos 1/10. Drewbacca is voiced by Scott Adsit, aka “Tina Fey likes me so I get work” guy. And the Moonities show up at the last minute to fill time.

Review: The big hook of this episode is the constant orchestral soundtrack, ala Star Wars throughout the episode. It’s mixed poorly, probably on purpose. The episode is largely innocuous but that soundtrack makes it unwatchable.

#126 – Ep. 131 Mouth Quest

Monster of the Week: Honest Abe Lincoln, the sausage links mascot.

Plot Insanity 4/10. This one at least breaks the fourth wall, a lot. It was at least pretty silly.

Shakeisms: 1/10. A handful of Shake one liners.

Carl Factor: 0/10. No Carl!

Meatwadded 0/10. No mouth for Meatwad so not a lot to be said or added.

Guest Stars & Cameos 2/10. You don’t realize how annoying Justin Roiland’s Morty voice is until you watch this episode. This one would probably jump 10 spots if it was any other voice. But Henry Zebrowski (Gary from Pretty Face) is a welcome addition though.

Review: To go with the live action episode, there is… the Claymation episode! I think it would have worked better if it didn’t break out of the normal episode structure and just did it’s normal thing, but in clay. This is probably the first episode on this list that has some redeeming qualities, unlike the previous 14.

#125 – Ep. 55 Spacegate World (aka Carl)

Monster of the Week: Carl’s depressing life.

Plot Insanity 0/10. It’s just Carl, by himself, watching Dewey, Vanessa and Boxy Brown.

Shakeisms: 0/10. Basically no Shake.

Carl Factor: 5/10. A lot of Carl but not necessarily a good amount of Carl.

Meatwadded 0/10. Basically no Meatwad

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. None of note.

Review: Unless Carl is giving you his Stonecold Lock of the Century of the Week, he shouldn't be running solo. The show itself works well because Carl plays back and forth off of the other characters, main or guest and when he’s by himself like this, no thanks.

#124 – Ep. 114 Rocket Horse Jet Chicken

Monster of the Week: Rocket Horse! And Jet Chicken!

Plot Insanity 5/10. Not so much insane as it is a Meatwad stream of consciousness.

Shakeisms: 0/10. He’s in this episode for a minute and he does what he usually does – try and make a buck.

Carl Factor: 0/10. No Carl.

Meatwadded 6/10. This is a Meatwad episode, no question. Without any other main characters to play off, and the two guest characters not doing the job, it’s not as good as it could be.

Guest Stars & Cameos 3/10. George Lowe voices Jet Chicken, so that’s nice.

Review: A nearly full crayon drawn episode but it’s just all over the place. The guys must have been really high when they came up with this one.

#123 – Ep. 86 Fry Legs

Monster of the Week: Frylock’s new legs.

Plot Insanity 4/10. Frylock turns into a total creeper with the weirdest legs possible. Then it gets worse.

Shakeisms: 0/10. Shake and Meatwad both basically sit this one out.

Carl Factor: 0/10. No Carl. He stayed far away.

Meatwadded 0/10. See Shakeisms.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. None of note aside from George Lowe.

Review: There are some amusing gags, like the Computer Repair Woman’s butt bending over but otherwise this one is bordering on too weird. The ending with Frylock as FrankenRay is quite a thing to see. However, this is not a truly bad episode, just one that illustrates why Frylock is better left the straight man.

#122 – Ep. 37 THE

Monster of the Week: Frylock’s disgust with his roommates

Plot Insanity 1/10. One of the least insane plots from Season 2. Frylock has had enough of his roommates so he moves out. That’s it.

Shakeisms: 6/10. Shake burning the garbage is pretty great, as is his getting-worse swelling eyes.

Carl Factor: 2/10. Carl plays the don’t give a crap Carl in this episode. He doesn’t get killed though.

Meatwadded 3/10. Meatwad is a good accessory to Shake here.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. None.

Review: The worst episode of Season 2, which isn’t in the top 20 of worst episode overall because Season 2 is amazing. The plot is fairly mundane which keeps it from getting off the ground and ranks it so low.

#121 – Ep. 00 Boston

Monster of the Week: The city of Boston, basically.

Plot Insanity 6/10. It gets off the rails pretty quickly, but most of it is a parody to Boston’s asinine response to the ATHF marketing campaign.

Shakeisms: 3/10. Pretty par for the course but he’s kept in the rails of the whole Boston thing.

Carl Factor: 3/10. Carl is just literal cannon fodder here, which isn’t a bad thing.

Meatwadded 0/10. Meatwad with Christmas lights… like Shake, he’s just hear to rip into Boston.

Guest Stars & Cameos 0/10. No real ones to speak of.

Review: This is an OK episode but plots so low just because it’s unfinished.

And that’s it for the bottom of the barrel. Like I said on Mouth Quest, there are only really 14 or so bad episodes of this show and everything else is just ok or has a minor flaw which rates it lowly. Now onto the OK/Good episodes, which is quite a long list.

The Officially Official Aqua Teen Hunger Force Rankings Intro

Oh boy, he's writing more nonsense. This isn't to annoy Claw (he probably doesn't like ATHF anyway) but to waste time. What's that? Play games? Watch TV? NO! Let's... write pointless shit on the Internet. Could be worse.

So here comes the ATHF rankings. This will be all 140 episodes (including Boston) in order of my like-atude. Here's the criteria:

The movie won't be included: Regardless of your feelings on the movie, it's 80 minutes long and hard to judge against 10 minute episodes. A lot of great ATHF episodes rely on killing the characters and that doesn't work when you have 70 minutes to go. I'll probably do a bonus review of the movie itself. Since it's a movie review, it will make claw mad. Probably.

Shake Like Me and Boston will be included: Boston is unfinished and that will be considered since Adult Swim apparently has a history of chickening out but it will be included. Shake Like Me has been removed from HBO Max and I don't give a fuck. It's fucking satire and Carey Means is black. Get over yourselves, Twitter horde.

A minimal amount of information will be given for each episode: Spoilers abound because the last episode aired in 2015. Oh god I'm old. No air dates or season numbers, just the order they were released, 1 through 139 and 0 (Boston). Episode name will be given as well as Monster of the Week, Cameos and other notes (like the live action episode). No pictures because that would require way more effort and at this rate, this is a lot of effort.

The following categories will be used to help judge episodes: Damien gave me some good suggestions but I don't want 12 categories so I combined them down. (There will not be an overall score for the episode beyond the ranking it earns). The categories are:

Plot Insanity: This category will cover the general aspect of the plot and how nuts it is and how much it works.

Shakeisms: This encapsulates the positive and negative effect Shake has on an episode. Sometimes he is the episode, sometimes he adds to the overall plot. Sometimes his conflict with the other characters makes the difference. Sometimes he's just fucking annoying.

Carl Factor: This show wouldn't have been nearly as good without Carl. Good episodes use him great, bad episode don't. This will cover his interactions, his deaths and dismemberments and his other quirks (like the end of Unremarkable Journey).

Meatwadded: Sometimes Meatwad drives an episode. Sometimes his fights with Shake do. Sometimes he tries to pick his nose and punches a hole through himself. Yes, this will be a max rating for Multiple Meat.

Cameos & Guest Stars: A rankings for the guest stars, guest voices and monster of the week that are in said episode. Do they work? Yes (Zack Wylde). No. (Tera Patrick). This will gauge that workingness.

There's no category for Frylock because he's the straight man and episodes focused on him are usually not great (Party All The Time, Fry Legs). His interactions with the other characters will be noted where appropriate.

So that's that. I will probably break them up into 7 posts, 20 episodes each. Depends on how much I crank them out. The first one will come with Rankings 140 through 121. Soon.

Make Claw Mad #1: What If Volume 1 Is Dumb

Here's a new series of posts, for a blog that has no other posts besides an intro post. That would be... MAKE CLAW MAD. Here I will say and talk about things that make Claw mad. These won't be things I don't actually believe but things I think and believe and I know they will annoy claw. Hurray.

Over the past 2 years, through gifting and purchasing, I have bought the 4 trade paperbacks that make up the entire volume 1 of What If. This is the first series that ran for 47 issues from 1977 to 1984. They take a normal issue and change something so they can go WHAT IF AMIRITE. It's a great idea for a series but as far I am concerned, the first volume of the series is pretty half baked and dumb.

The biggest problem I've seen out of the 7 issues I've read is that the dude Roy Thomas or whatever struggled to take these amazing, great, classic stories (since the original What Ifs were largely origin story adjustments) and make them What If-able.

Speaking of divergence, don't get me wrong - What If is great. What if Volume 2 #1 is one of the most mindblowing fucking things I've ever read in my life. It's so fucking bizarre that the whole thing is amazing. And Roy Thomas wrote that one too. So the logic is he just struggled with Volume 1.

Let's look at the first couple of issues:

#1: What if Spiderman joined the Fantastic Four. That's just dumb in concept. That's like this: 

And what happens is the Fantastic Four just fly off the table. The FF is a family and Spiderman shows up like some dipshit cousin, daddy-o. It so doesn't work. Plus, wasting no time, here comes fucking Namor.

What a fucking douche. I hate Namor. He's somehow more boring than Aquaman. And he's in so many of the early What Ifs. GO AWAY. NO ONE LIKES YOU NAMOR. Not only that but at the end of the issue, Sue Storm runs off with Namor basically because Spiderman takes her spot. After giving her gills. What.

I rank this issue negative one human claw's dads out of 10 (which means it's actually 1 claw's horse dad out of 10 normal human dads).

#2: What If The Hulk Had The Brain of Bruce Banner. Ok this one starts off just fine and logical and what the fuck why is Professor X, Mr Fantastic and Bruce Banner combining into some giant gold man baby?

Not only that but this giant gold man child scares GALACTUS off. What. Clearly Roy Boy got his plane off the runway and then crashed it into the ocean. 

I rate this issue 2 cartoons that come on before Casper out of 10. Because this issue is truly the cartoon before fucking Casper comes on, isn't that right claw. This issue is Casper's doughy butt. 

Issue #3 What If The Avengers Had Never Been: Here's another big problem with these issues. Thomas takes a good concept and then hones on a specific event in the original comic and when he does, it doesn't work because he can't let that original event go. In this one, basically Thor, Iron Man, Giant Man and Wasp basically tell each other to eat shit (does that make claw and I the NES avengers... Edsel is clearly Dr Druid) and walk out the door while Iron Man is like "Oh right the Hulk". And here Thomas zeroes in on the fight against the Hulk and Namor and DOESNT LET IT GO. The rest of the issue is focused around it and it's just so dumb. The issue ends with RICK JONES (man does Roy Thomas love him some Rick Jones) in an Iron Man suit. Dumb.

AND MORE GODDAMN NAMOR. FUCK OFF NAMOR.

I rate this issue 1 useless Iron Man suits out of 10.

Issue #4: What If The Invaders Stayed Together After WWII?: Here's the problem right off the bat... this issue barely takes place after WWII! What the fuck dude. What happened here is Thomas spent forever building up the What If storyline just to never deliver on the concept. 

The issue itself is weird, but amusing because... THE WHIZZER shows up.

Gee golly, it's the Whizz'! Also Miss America shows up. And the original Human Torch had a sidekick like Bucky ala Captain America. WHO KNEW! Yes, I know you knew, Claw. Some jerk subs in for Captain America and dies in the lamest way possible too. Probably the biggest intersection of MAJOR CHARACTER and LAMEST WAY TO DIE IN A COMIC. 

HEY GUESS WHAT, NAMOR'S BACK AGAIN. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, ENOUGH.

This issue is a mess. I give it 0 foamy shits out of the zero variety pack of claw shits I will never receive.

Issue #5 What If Captain America Didn't Vanish After World War II?: This is the first issue approaching readable. While it ends up running in circles for a while and the ending is set up with literally THE ENTIRE COMIC BLACKING OUT (so anything that happened is never seen and it's hand wavy bullshit), it has Captain America running Shield as Steve Rogers. It also has Bucky, like, nerd in a ballet outfit Bucky, not Bucky on roids Winter Soldier Bucky, as the "next Captain America" which is just sad. Like I said, approaching readable.

I think Namor is in this. I can't remember.

I give this issue 3 stainman NFTs that I won't pay claw for.

Issue #6: What If the Fantastic Four Had Different Powers? This is the fucking worst comic I have ever read. Holy shit, where to begin. First off, Thomas phoned this in so hard, he just gave Mr Fantastic's powers to Sue Storm. Really. Was Sue that one dimensional that you couldn't come up WITH LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE especially since you didn't reuse anyone else's powers?

Next, he gave Ben Grimm dragon wings. THAT'S IT. He can fly. NO SUPER STRENGTH, NOTHING. Did he look at Angel from the X-Men and say "Well... flying is a super power but I can't use bird wings...."

Johnny Storm becomes the MANDROID, where Roy Thomas's writing becomes as robotic as the Human Torch now is. This is the only one that is decently inventive... until the story picks up.

And finally, Mister Fantastic becomes... BIG BRAIN. A BRAIN. HE BECOMES JUST A FLOATING BRAIN.

That's it. He's not telekinetic, he just floats. THAT'S IT. DUMB.

What makes this issue even worse is Doctor Doom shows up and shows how utterly useless this entire team is. He rips MANDROID'S arms off and the other two are so so useless, that Doom is only defeated by more handwavy bullshit and BIG BRAIN ends up in Doctor Doom's body. Or something. If you read the entire issue up to the last page, you'd be certain that the four of them were dead. And then Roy Thomas said LOL NOPE.

At least namor isn't in it.

I can't even score this one. It is so bad.

Issue #7: What If Someone Else Besides Spider-Man Got Bit By The Radioactive Spider: Another issue approaching readable, but that's only because the end is actually creative and thought out. So now Flash Thompson, Betty Brant and John Jameson get bit by the spider and get powers. And here's the rub: Flash and Jameson die because LOL NO WEB FLUID. That's it. Lazy writing. Did Thomas read back issues for Spiderman and find a spot where Spiderman's survival depended ENTIRELY on his web shooters? Because that's what it feels like.

Betty Brant is a little more less dumb but that's because Peter Parker makes her web shooters. And of course Betty has a horrible costume where her tits are basically smacking in the face. I'm not woke but that outfit is impractical. She ends up bailing out of SPIDER GIRLIN IT because she lets Peter's uncle get shot. Uh, ok.

What saves the issue are two things. One, John Jameson being Spider Jameson makes JJ less of a cocksucker because his son was one. And two, the issue ends with all three What If universes having the same result: Peter Parker saves the spider's corpse and drinks its venom to also become Spiderman. A nice little bow. Also, no Namor doesn't become Spiderman. I'll take that.

This one also gets 3 overdone claw jokes out of 10. 

So that's all I read so far. I bet this will make claw madder that I am judging an entire volume of a series on 7 issues. But I am reading the TPBs on the can and it takes time because I, at most, poop once a day. And these What Ifs are LONG and VERBOSE so it usually takes 3 shits to finish an issue. Meanwhile modern comics I can read 3 comics in the span of one shit. Different times.